I'm almost done.I'm through right now.

"Stupid girl.I should have known.I should have known.I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale."

I'm sick of all this pain in my life right now.It's all too much to hold onto at once.Right now,i'm worried about my FUTURE.I'm afraid that I won't graduate in 2012 like i'm supposed to.I try so hard in all my classes,but i''m starting to lose focus and get really tired.If I don't pass science this time,i'm screwed.I'd have to retake it a SECOND TIME and that's just not cool,and that'd upset me a lot.

My best friend is amazing,even if she doesn't see it.She's beautiful,funny,talented,and an incredible friend to have.What she doesn't know,is that she can hurt me sometimes,not intentionally either.Like she sends "tweets" to two of her other best friends EVERYDAY,but never me.Sometimes I just feel like I mean nothing to her,even though that's probably not true.I just want her to be happy,and when I hear she's crying,which is about everyday,it hurts me too.I want her to feel happy and not hurt.I appreciate every second she spends trying to send my messages back and forth to get to the guy I love...but I feel bad.I feel bad for her having to be my messenger because when she's upset I keep away from talking about any of my problems or pain because I don't want to make it worse.She never even asks me what my problems are anymore,I don't know if she always think it's the same thing i'm upset over always,because there always seems to be something in life bothering me and hurting me in some sort of form.I just don't want her to be hurt knowing i'm hurt.If that makes any sense.I don't waste my time telling her my problems anymore because I know she's upset enough of the time,why make her feel worse?Feeling down and letting someone know your feeling down and all your problems isn't exactly great.I hope she knows that i'm always here for her to talk or let her rant to anytime.Because I try my best to be a good friend,but maybe i'm just not good enough.

I think of the guy I love everyday and every single night.I just want to talk to him again or finally get a hug from him to feel at peace once again.When I met him face to face and he shook my hand,I felt a sense of safety and comfort.His grasp made me feel safe.I can't explain it,there's just something really special about him,and I know there is.I love him with absolutely everything in me,no doubt about it.Last night,I sat in my bed and theres just sometimes where you need to let things out and talk to yourself..which isn't awkward at all. : I started saying things (about the guy I love) like "you'll probably meet someone prettier and better than me.." "i hope you think of me as much as i think of you..." "i just love and miss you..." and like I was talking to him and he could hear me and that's not possible clearly.I started crying."please.please.just give me a chance,that's all I want is a chance to be with you."

I'm almost crying right now,and no one around me seems to care.Maybe it wouldn't even matter if I was gone.I guess some people would be devasted,but eventually,i'd be soon forgotten.I'm not going anywhere,for now.

x o x o
Janie